Can He Do It on a Freezing Night in Kansas City?

Milan 1 Feyenoord 1 (Agg 1-2)

It took just one minute for Santiago Giménez to equalize the tie against his old club. He might’ve regretted declining to celebrate, as it was the only opportunity for celebration Milan would have all day.

Theo Hernandez saw red early in the second half for a dive so spectacular it would’ve made Jacques Cousteau blush.

Julián Carranza put a depleted Feyenoord back ahead in the 73rd minute with an emphatic header, and Slot’s Tots would not relinquish the lead.

In desperate need of a goal, Sérgio Conceição subbed off Christian Pulisic (Milan’s most productive player) and Santiago Giménez (the earlier goalscorer), instead leaving João Félix on the pitch at all costs. João Félix, the player no big club seems to want to keep.

Now, why would Conceição do that?!

Hey, here’s a totally unrelated fun fact: Conceição and Joao Felix share an agent.

Atalanta 1 - Club Brugge 3 (2 - 5 Agg)

Normally, an outcome this lopsided wouldn’t receive additional commentary (see: Dortmund-Sporting). But this was the most entertaining 5-2 bout in memory.

Where to begin?

There’s this absolute banger from Ferran Jutglà to put Brugge up 3-0 on the night.

But the real fun started later. Ademola Lookman entered the match and promptly scored for Atalanta after just one minute on the pitch. Buoyed by that goal, Lookman later took the ball from Atalanta’s regular penalty takers and saw his effort saved, prompting these remarks from his manager Gian Piero Gasperini after the match:

Damn! Putting the Gasp! in Gasperini. Look, man, that was uncalled for (see what I did there?).

But arguably, that wasn’t the most embarrassing moment of the tie for Atalanta. That honor goes to captain Rafael Toloi, who needs Air Tags for his mind after losing it in ridiculous fashion.

“Toloi made a mess of what he wanted to do.”

Uh, ya think?!

Botched throw? ✅

Faceplant? ✅

Red card? ✅

In Toloi’s defense, after the incredible indignancy of the worst human throw on record and the associated makeout sesh with the ground, he had no other choice but to go all middle-linebacker on De Cuyper’s ass.

Bayern Munich 1 - Celtic 1 (3-2 Agg)

A 63rd-minute goal from Bayern academy product Nicolas Kühn put Celtic back on terms, and the Scottish side had chances to increase their advantage on the night. You could see the wheels turning in Brodge’s head: “Brendan Rodgers, European conqueror.”

It was not to be.

A scramble in the box saw Alphonso Davies pounce on a loose ball to slam home the winner in the 94th minute, sending despondent Celtic players to the turf in agony.

Until next time, Brodge.

Benfica 3 - Monaco 3 (4-3 Agg)

With six goals on the night including four in the second half, this was arguably the best tie of the playoff round.

An 81st-minute George Ilenikhana goal seemed likely to complete the Monaco comeback and send the match to extra time. Perhaps lost in the exuberance of the goal, Monaco’s defense switched off, allowing a cross to find Orkun Kökçü in the box just moments later. The accent-mark king made no mistake, sealing Benfica’s passage to the next round.

Monaco will take solace in the impressive performance of young stars Eliesse Ben Seghir and Maghnes Akliouche.

Dortmund 0 Sporting 0 (3-0 Agg)

The outcome was never in doubt at Signal Iduna Park, where Sporting managed just one shot on goal. Life on the other side has benefitted neither Amorim nor his former club thus far.

For Dortmund, the European campaign remains a bright spot in an otherwise calamitous season.

PSG 7 Brest 0 (10-0 Agg)

Seven different players found the scoresheet for PSG, including Kvaratskhelia, who scored his first Champions League goal in Paris.

And so we say happy trails to Micah Richards’ favorite club in the competition. We’ll miss the way he kept us aBrest of their performances.

Real Madrid 3 Manchester City 1 (6-3 Agg)

We chided Pep Guardiola for suggesting his team had a 1% chance of winning the tie, and just as in the case of Enzo Maresca, one of two things is true:

• He was right.

• Both his players and the opposition believed him, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For his part, Kylian Mbappé was on a mission to turn that 1% to 0% as quickly as possible. He opened the scoring with a chip off an exquisite long ball from Raul Asencio.

Route 1 football, it’s not just for Andy Carroll and Christian Benteke. This ain’t your grandpa’s kick-and-rush.

Mbappé would snatch City souls twice more before the night was through. If you look out your window, you might see Josko Gvardiol sliding by.

PSV 3 Juventus 1 (4-3 Agg)

The Serie A exodus continued, as Juventus joined the ranks of Milan and Atalanta in ejection from the competition.

Ivan Perisic (he’s still playing) squared the tie in the 53rd minute before Timothy Weah restored the Juventus advantage ten minutes later with what can only be described as an absolute humdinger.

We will be describing all wonderstrikes as humdingers going forward and will take no further questions on the matter at this time. God bless English commentators.

Ismael Saibari found the equalizer in the 74th minute, and it was Ryan Flamingo who would put PSV ahead in extra time. For a side missing Malik Tillman and Ricardo Pepi, the gritty win is a massive triumph, and it only salts the wounds of the Italian giant, particularly after the high of a Derby D’Italia victory.

🇮🇹 Paulo Dybala scored a brace to secure Roma’s passage to the next round, exiting to a well-deserved standing ovation. Will we ever see the Argentine take his incredible talents outside of Italy? The brace canceled out an early overhead banger from Samu.

🇳🇴 We don’t think anyone bookmarked Bodø/Glimt vs. Twente as their match to watch, but the sides combined for five goals after the 90th minute. Bodø/Glimt went from being knocked out, to equalizing, to going through, to extra time…all in the span of six minutes. It was the Norwegian side—who haven’t even started their domestic season yet—who would score two goals in the extra period to advance.

🇳🇱 Ajax quickly surrendered a two-goal lead at home, first to a Kevin MacAllister goal then via a penalty given for a Davy Klaassen handball and red card. We haven’t seen Kevin Mac Allister humble a confident opponent like that since MacCauley Culkin’s character gave Harry and Marv the business.

Despite their best efforts, though, it would be Mac Allister and Union SG going Home Alone without any hardware after a Kenneth Taylor penalty put Ajax ahead in extra time.

AVL 2 - LIV 2

A back-and-forth affair saw a Mohammad Salah (who else?) first-half opener canceled out nine minutes later by a Youri Tielemans strike. Ollie Watkins gave the Villans the advantage (and Arsenal fans hope) with a goal in first-half stoppage time.

A vicious strike from Trent Alexander-Arnold leveled the score in the 61st minute. If he’s got one foot in Madrid, the foot that’s still in England is pretty damn good.

With a wide-open net beckoning (to the tune of 0.89xG), Darwin Núñez skied his chance well over the bar.

If there’s one Darwin Núñez defender left on earth, it’s me. But oh my goodness, it’s enough to make me want to board Elon Musk’s next rocket off the planet just to escape that cursed responsibility.

The Reds’ advantage atop the table is 8 points with one more match played than Arsenal.

🐐 But can he do it on a cold, rainy night in Stoke? We’ll never know. But we now know Lionel Messi can do it on a sub-zero freezing Wednesday night in Kansas City. The goal gave Inter Miami a 1-0 victory in the first leg of a CONCACAF Champions Cup tie.

At this point, Messi should have a testimonial in Stoke just for the bants.

Also: The match referee asked for Messi’s shirt after the game. We fully expect Real Madrid to complain about it.

💥 Elsewhere in the competition, Messi’s Argentine compatriot Pedro De La Vega unleashed an absolute humdinger in a 3-1 Seattle Sounders win.

🔵🟠 Both Kévin Denkey and Evander scored in their FC Cincinnati debuts, resulting in a 4-1 victory.

🇲🇽 Top of the table León and Club America met on Wednesday night, with Alejandro Zendejas and James Rodriguez goals canceling each other out to see León’s advantage remain at 3 points. Zendejas has four goals and four assists in six games.

EVE vs. MUN (7:30 AM Sat, USA)

The David Moyes Derby!

A resurgent Everton side, already above United in the table, can climb higher using the fallen giant’s shoulders for a boost. Could a decisive Everton victory turn United’s heads toward the blue-wearing Scotsman?

You Beto believe it.

NEW vs. NOT (9:00 AM Sun, USA)

The Chris Wood Derby? The Elliott Anderson Derby? Take your pick.

Newcastle and Forest enter this match on the same run of form (LWWLW) and with the same aspirations of Champions League football. It’s almost enough to make it the most enticing fixture of the weekend. Which brings us to…

MCI vs. LIV (11:30 AM Sun, Peacock)

Liverpool’s reward for their shaky run of form? A date with Manchester City at the Etihad.

This may not be the same terrifying City side of years past, but on their day, they’re potent enough to dismantle any opponent. Just ask Newcastle.

Much will hinge on Erling Haaland’s availability after sitting in Madrid. Will Pep be feeling dangerous enough to give his squad a 2% chance of victory?

FCB vs. SGE (11:30 AM Sun, ESPN+)

Despite Bayern’s failure to register a shot on target against Leverkusen, Xabi Alonso’s side could not whittle into the Bavarian lead atop the table. This week, third-place Eintracht Frankfurt takes their shot, though they’ve registered just one win in their last five outings.

No Harry Kane for Bayern after suffering a calf injury in the late stages of Tuesday’s Champions League tie.

RAY vs. VIL (10:15 AM Sat, ESPN+)

European hopes are very much alive for the sides sitting sixth and fifth in the table respectively. Raya Vallecano is chasing just its second European competition appearance ever.

RMA vs. GIR (10:15 AM Sun, ESPN+)

Madrid will look to ride the momentum of Wednesday’s victory into domestic action this weekend after a period of more pedestrian form. They’ll have to do it without Jude Bellingham, who’s suspended for two games after F*ck off-Gate.

COM vs. NAP (6:30 AM Sun, Paramount+)

If you happen to be awake early Sunday morning, the league leaders visit scenic Como to face the recently reinforced upstart. Napoli cruised to a 3-1 victory at home in their first matchup of the year, but that was in a pre-Assane Diao world.

LIL vs. ASM (11:00 AM Sat)

The clubs sat fourth and fifth in the league clash on Saturday, separated by just two points. Monaco will need to overcome the grief of their dramatic Champions League loss quickly, while Lille will be rested after advancing straight to the Round of 16.

OL vs. PSG (2:45 PM Sun)

The financial importance of European qualification for a Lyon side facing provisional relegation cannot be understated. But really, we feature this tilt for the feud at the ownership level.

Footage that leaked this week showed a venomous exchange of words between Lyon’s John Textor and PSG’s Nasser Al-Khelaifi, with the latter calling the former a “cowboy” over the summer.

Well, then:

The Best of the Rest

Inter Miami vs. NYCFC (7:30 PM Sat)

The MLS season kicks off this weekend, and while we’re mostly looking forward to the team-colored Apple TV logos…

…some of you might be interested to see if Messi picks up where he left off, this time in warmer temps.

Sheffield United vs. Leeds (3:00 PM Mon)

The top two teams in the Championship meet on Monday afternoon at Bramall Lane. Both have won four of their last five matches, and in a long Championship season, there will scarcely be a match bigger than this one. A win would see Leeds go five points clear at the top, while a Sheffield victory would be enough to claim first place.

Galatasaray vs. Fenerbahçe (12:00 PM Mon)

Galatasaray’s European campaign ended with a whimper against AZ Alkmaar on Thursday, but domestically, the club remains six points clear atop the Turkish table. At least for now. The Intercontinental Derby against rivals (and second place) Fenerbahçe beckons. Mourinho’s side cruised comfortably to the next round of Europa League action.

Feyenoord have officially named Robin Van Persie their manager. Van Persie takes over a side still alive in the Champions League. Their next opponent? Could’ve been Arsenal, but the narrative gods did not oblige. Instead, they’ll meet Inter Milan.

Cengiz Under completed his loan move to LAFC from Fenerbahce.

Tijjani Reijnders put pen to paper on a new contract with AC Milan until 2030.

Sergio Oliveira joined Sport Recife in Portugal on a free transfer from Olympiakos.

Palmeiras are making contact with both Barcelona and Real Betis to pursue a permanent transfer for Vitor Roque. Roque is currently on loan at Betis.

Believe it or not, Ademola Lookman is likely to leave Atalanta in the summer. Hard to believe after how warmly Gasperini treated him.