Move Over, Mona Lisa

Club Brugge 1 Aston Villa 3

After a Leon Bailey goal quieted the home crowd three minutes into the match, Maxim De Cuyper restored hope and parity with a well-timed run into the box and finish. The Belgian club’s tightrope-balancing act went haywire with ten minutes remaining, as an 82nd-minute Brandon Mechele own goal and a penalty put the Villans 3-1 up after the away leg.

Marco Asensio converted the aforementioned spot kick for Villa, notching his fifth goal in seven games since joining in January. Must be heartwarming for Brahim Diaz to look directly into his future and see success.

Tyrone Mings punctuated a virtuoso defensive performance with an acrobatic goal-line clearance.

Shave so close the man should get a Gillette deal.

Dortmund 1 Lille 1

The ham sandwich of Champions League ties. Sure, you’ll eat it if it’s served, but you sure wish there was something more interesting available, and if there is, you’ll leave the ham sandwich untouched every time.

Something about the tenth-best side in the Bundesliga facing the fifth-best side in France just doesn’t get the blood pumping.

You know what does get the blood pumping, though? A Karim Adeyemi humdinger!

Shades of Thiago Alcantara just a few short years ago. That was arguably Thiago’s lone memorable contribution during an injury-ridden tenure at Liverpool, and you know what? Worthhh itttt. But we wish Karim Adeyemi better durability.

Hákon Arnar Haraldsson found the equalizer for Lille in the 68th minute to send the tie back to France on level pegging. The second half of the ham sandwich awaits next Wednesday. Yum.

Real Madrid 2 Atlético 1

It’s hard to imagine a bigger chasm in viewership appeal between matches than The Gorge-sized gulf between Dortmund-Lille and the Madrid Derby. No, we wouldn’t choose to watch Apple TV’s The Gorge before Dortmund-Lille, but genuinely, did a single neutral soul opt to watch that game instead of the Spanish clash of titans?

The ever-unheralded Rodrygo opened the scoring for Madrid in the fourth minute, cutting inside to deploy a goal-bound missile past Jan Oblak. With that, he became the fifth-youngest player ever to reach 25 Champions League goals, behind only Haaland, Mbappe, Messi, and Raul.

But if Rodrygo’s effort was a mere missile, the shot that left the boot of Julián Alvarez was a weapon of mass destruction delivered with pinpoint accuracy. The Argentine attacker was already on fire, but he went white-hot against the Blancos with this strike.

Alas, even goals of that superb nature count for just one point…much to Atléti’s chagrin. In the 55th minute, Brahim Diaz danced through the box, snatching ankles (his own included) like an early-2000s AND-1 Mixtape baller before slotting the finish past Oblak. The goal gives Madrid a 2-1 advantage before they head across town next week.

Something to remember: with Mbappé set to provide Vinicius a tap-in in the game’s dying embers, Marcos Llorente sprinted into frame to intercept the cross and preserve Atlético’s hopes. If they’re to reverse their fortune in the return leg, this moment will have been a decisive turning point.

PSV 1 Arsenal 7

Arsenal entered this match scoreless in their last two outings. They’ll exit it worried they spent their entire goal allowance for the month of March.

Former Ajax player Jurriën Timber opened the scoring, relishing the opportunity to dump more water into PSV’s sinking ship. Terrific Arsenal teenagers combined minutes later, with Myles Lewis-Skelly assisting Ethan Nwaneri. Superstriker Mikel Merino made it a 3-0 advantage by the 31st minute.

Martin Ødegaard added a second-half brace, while Leandro Trossard and Riccardo Califiori also found the scoresheet. At this point, we’re just naming the entirety of Arsenal’s squad.

Look, we love sitting around naming random players as much as the next guy. We could do it for hours (Yannick Bolasie. Adel Taarabt, Martin Škrtel). But this isn’t a nostalgic pub session for the lads. It’s the Champions League. Have some pride, PSV.

A welcome rest likely awaits some Arsenal regulars next week at the Emirates in what should be a jubilant atmosphere with tickets punched to the quarterfinals. That is, if a 0-0 showing against United this weekend hasn’t soured the mood. Like Mikel said post-match, they just have to keep their heads down and stay humble.

Feyenoord 0 Inter Milan 2

Inter Milan managed to control the away leg, supported by goals from strike-duo Marcus Thuram and Lautaro Martinez. With his 18th total goal in the Champions League, Martinez became Inter’s all-time leading scorer in the competition. Timon Wellenreuther saved a Piotr Zielinski penalty attempt to preserve a two-goal deficit midway through the second half.

Fortunately for Inter, there would be no Philip Billing heroics to spoil the day. On the other hand, Robin van Persie’s Champions League managerial debut was surely marred for Feyenoord.

PSG 0 Liverpool 1

The Hulk smash of smash-and-grabs.

One of the worst performances of the Arne Slot era ended with one Liverpool foot in the Champions League quarterfinal thanks to the handsome heroics of Alisson Becker.

PSG managed 27 shot attempts and 10 shots on target to Liverpool’s 2 and 1. Alas, none of those 10 Parisian shots on target found the back of the net, and the lone Liverpool effort did.

Right from the off, the PSG attack heaped pressure on Liverpool’s Brazilian netminder, with Kvaratskhelia and Dembelé taking turns peppering Alisson to no avail. The former thought he found an opener in the 20th minute, besting Alisson for the only time on the night, but his heels were found to be centimeters offside in the buildup.

More luck for Liverpool: what appeared to be a red card-worthy denial of a goalscoring opportunity from Ibrahima Konaté was waved away on the field and upheld by VAR. Miraculously, the Reds went into halftime level on both the scoreboard and the number of players on the pitch.

Many scratched their heads when Arne Slot, needing a goal, chose to replace Mo Salah with Harvey Elliott in the 86th minute. But the hands scratching those heads jolted towards the sky in celebration just 45 seconds later when Elliott found the far corner with a first-time finish from a perfectly weighted Darwin Núñez assist. Donnarumma got a hand to it, but compared to Alisson’s graphene gloves, the Italian’s hand was Charmin-soft.

The final xG score: PSG 2.58 - Liverpool 0.25. That’s the Alisson difference, delivered in what the Brazilian declared might’ve been the best performance of his life.

PSG can take confidence from their utter domination of the match, but will the outcome be too deflating to overcome?

Benfica 0 Barcelona 1

If not for Alisson’s generational performance, we might be talking in similar terms about Wojciech Szczesny today. The previously retired Polish goalkeeper made eight saves as ten-man Barca scrambled to mitigate the damage from a 22nd-minute Pau Cubarsi red card.

A Benfica mistake allowed Raphinha to unleash a low, deflected strike that found the back of the net in the 61st minute. It’s the Brazilian’s ninth goal in nine Champions League games this campaign. Since the start of 2024, Raphinha has 12 goals and five assists in the competition, amassing more goal contributions than any player over the same period.

The deficit will be massively disappointing for Benfica, but it could’ve been worse if not for Anatoliy Trubin looking like prime Scott Sterling. By some miracle of sorcery, he denied Robert Lewandowski twice and then Raphinha for a triple save that—like Llorente’s deflection—could become vastly more significant in the event of a comeback.

What a night for the keepers! To paraphrase and adjust Lloyd Christmas’s thoughts on senior citizens: "Hey, I guess they’re right. Keepers, though clumsy and dangerous on the ball, can still serve a purpose.”

Bayern 3 Leverkusen 0

Bayern can’t erase Leverkusen’s magisterial 2023-2024 campaign, but they can vehemently squash any talk of a budding domestic rivalry. With an eight-point buffer in the Bundesliga, the Bavarian side wasted no chance to add insult to Leverkusen’s injury on Wednesday night.

Harry Kane opened the scoring with a header so emphatic he might soon rival Harry Maguire for England’s most inviting forehead. Jamal Musiala capitalized on a goalkeeping error to double the advantage early in the second half before Kane iced the occasion with a 75th-minute penalty.

An otherwise ebullient evening for the home side was dampened by an injury to Manuel Neuer. The German goalkeeping legend hurt himself celebrating the second Bayern goal in an all-time “You know you’re old when…” moment.

But it’s not just Neuer feeling his age.

We feel ancient just witnessing Manuel Neuer at an age where he can hurt his calf celebrating a goal instead of denying one. The utterly invincible sweeper keeper, swept into mortality by the unerring nudge of Father Time. Don’t worry, Manuel. Senior citizens, though slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.

🇮🇹 The Ranieraissance continues at Roma, as Eldor Shomurodov scored a winner at the death to give the hosts a 2-1 lead heading back to Bilbao.

🟥 Nine-man Lazio, having suffered red cards to Nicolo Rovella and Samuel Gigot, found a 98th-minute winner over Plzen on a fantastic strike from Gustav Bangers-Only Isaksen.

🤕 A Lucas Bergvall own goal sent Tottenham back to London down 1-0 to AZ Alkmaar. Spurs managed just one shot on goal. But don’t worry, it gets worse. Dominic Solanke returned from injury as a second-half substitute…and soon limped off with injury.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 Rangers left Istanbul with a 3-1 advantage over Jose Mourinho’s Fenerbahce, thanks in part to a Vaclav Cerny brace. Cerny has registered 15 goals in all competitions in a wildly successful loan spell in Glasgow.

👔 Joshua Zirkzee notched his first European goal, putting United ahead early in the second half. However, a Bruno Fernandes handball sent Mikel Oyarzabal to the spot to level the tie for Sociedad.

🇫🇷 Two late goals for Malick Fofana propelled Lyon and the under-siege Paulo Fonseca (more on that in a moment) to a 3-1 lead over FCSB with the return leg to follow in Lyon.

🇪🇺 In Conference League action, Chelsea snuck by Copenhagen 2-1 behind goals from Reece James and Enzo Fernandez, while Betis drew 2-2 with Guimaraes despite another Antony assist and Isco goal.

🦩 Lionel Messi missed out on the much-anticipated clash of the global footballing titans against Cavalier SC. Luis Suarez picked up the slack again, while Tadeo Allende scored in his third straight for a 2-0 Miami win.

🧱 After an unfathomable run, Burnley’s clean-sheet streak met its end in a 2-1 victory over Cardiff on Tuesday, closing the chapter once more on Burnley co-owner JJ Watt’s NFL career.

🇲🇽 Chivas beat Club América in a midweek El Clasico in Concacaf Champions Cup action via a Sebastian Caceres own goal. Club América won’t have to wait long to avenge the loss (see Featured Fixtures).

🇺🇸 LAFC cruised past Columbus 3-0 behind a Denis Bouanga brace.

After last weekend’s FA Cup respite, the Premier League returns with a vengeance and a plethora of appealing match-ups.

NOT vs. MCI (7:30 AM SAT)

If we told you at the beginning of the season that a March Forest-City tie would feature the third and fourth-place teams in the league…and that the third-place team would be Forest, you’d wonder how large City’s points deduction was. And how large Forest’s would be next season, because surely they bought Real Madrid’s whole starting XI.

This is our new, exciting reality, but it’s in danger of fading fast. City can move into third with a victory, while a Forest win would be a massive and defiant statement of intent.

BRI vs. FUL (10:00 AM SAT)

A European loser-leaves-town match. Whichever side falls here will be left a mountain to climb for Champions League qualification. Since a 7-0 loss to Forest at the beginning of February, Brighton are on a five-game winning streak. No slouch either, Fulham have won four of their last five.

MUN vs. ARS (12:30 PM SUN)

The humblest club in England heads to Old Trafford to face the most unfailingly arrogant. 14th place or not, this is still Manchester United, damnit! Where they’re always just one manager or aging, expensive star away from reigniting the glory days. The Gunners enter still basking in the warmth of a 7-1 Champions League triumph, but will United prove less hospitable to their strikerless side than PSV?

With Bayern gliding towards the Bundesliga title, we’re training our sights on the continued battle for Top 4 in Germany with two pivotal match-ups this week.

Gladbach vs. Mainz (FRI 2:30 PM ET)

Both sides are winners of three of their last five, with Mainz currently in command of fourth place in the standings. Gladbach can enter the conversation in earnest with three points here.

Freiburg vs. RB Leipzig (SAT 12:30 PM ET)

Freiburg’s four-game winning streak came to a halt with a draw at Augsburg last week, but the resurgent side remain right in the thick of the European conversation. Leipzig haven’t won in their last three Bundesliga matches, and more dropped points against a Champions League competitor would be a severe setback.

There’s a shortage of marquee match-ups in La Liga this weekend. Of course, the marquee Spanish matches come at midweek in the Champions League, but loss of focus could lead to lost ground in the title race.

Getafe vs. Atlético Madrid (9:00 AM SUN)

A rare match against an opponent not named Real Madrid or Barcelona for Simeone’s side. As Atlético look ahead to the tall task of overturning a one-goal deficit against Madrid, they face the highest likelihood of dropping points this weekend against a Getafe side that’s stout defensively but utterly anemic in attack.

Real Madrid vs. Rayo Vallecano (11:15 AM SUN)

Rayo have faded quickly in their quest for European football, and the road gets no easier against Madrid this weekend. But they’ll take solace in the knowledge that Los Blancos dropped points in three out of four La Liga matches in February, and they might be distracted by the looming Champions League return leg.

Bonus relegation six-pointer: Valencia vs. Valladolid (12:30 PM SAT)

Who doesn’t love the drama of a relegation battle? Valladolid’s proverbial goose is near-cooked but a win here could conjure a dead-cat (er, goose?) bounce. Failure to secure points would be catastrophic for Valencia.

Napoli vs. Fiorentina (10:00 AM SUN)

For a team directly at the epicenter of the Scudetto battle, Napoli enters the weekend on atrocious form, having failed to win any of their last five matches. The good news? Last week’s draw with Inter is as close to a 1-1 win as you’ll ever see. Fiorentina are on similarly shaky footing, but they’ve shown a penchant for giant-slaying this season.

Juventus vs. Atalanta (3:45 PM SUN)

Both sides are knocking on the door of the Scudetto race, though Atalanta already has one foot in the house while Juventus is sending a “You up?” text from the curb. The result here could dramatically alter the structure of the title chase, potentially transforming it into a four-horse race depending on results elsewhere.

Nice vs. Lyon (3:45 PM SUN)

Third hosts sixth in a clash of sides who have each won four of their last five matches. Okay, skip to the juicy part.

Lyon manager Paulo Fonseca will begin serving a NINE-MONTH touchline ban, sustained for a heated confrontation with a match official last weekend. The LFP served Fonseca’s ban on his birthday.

🐐 Inter Miami and Messi (hopefully) host Charlotte at 4:00 PM on Sunday, fresh from that clash of global footballing giants with Cavalier SC.

🇲🇽 Saturday night action in Mexico features the return of El Súper Clásico between Club América and Chivas after a painful three-day wait since the last one.

🇧🇷 In Brazil, the Clássico Alvinegro sees Corinthians host Neymar’s Santos. Former NYCFC forward Talles Magno anchors the Corinthians attack alongside Memphis Depay.

🎤 Nobody is particularly fond of the Americanization of football, many Americans included. Very fortunately, we can change that perception with the 2026 World Cup. How can we demonstrate America’s commitment to the sport’s traditions and sanctity?

FIFA knows! Halftime show at the World Cup Final!

Welcome to America. Here’s a twenty-minute disruption to the most important sporting event on the planet.

Let’s hope they don’t tap Camila Cabello for the job. Did we learn nothing from the pregame concert at the 2022 Champions League final?

The approval rating for this idea is about as high as it is for the FA’s implementation of VAR.

💰 FIFA announced a $1 billion tournament prize fund for the Club World Cup, which kicks off in just a few short months. Estimates suggest Manchester City and Chelsea could earn upwards of $100 million depending on performance.

Do you have any idea how much amortization damage Todd-O can do with $100 mill? That’s like seven new Brazilian wingers.

🌎 The popular news keeps coming: FIFA is reportedly considering an expansion of the 2030 World Cup to 64 teams. Live look at Bangladesh, receiving its invitation to participate: