Snip-Snap, Snip-Snap, Snip-Snap!

🇪🇸 Copa Del Rey Semifinal Second Leg

Real Madrid 4 Real Sociedad 4 (5-4 Agg)

Just feast your eyes on this madness:

Five goals were scored after the 70th minute to see Madrid go from down one to level to ahead to level and back ahead for good. Endrick found the scoresheet in a rare start for Los Blancos; he’ll look dashing in Bournemouth black-and-red when something eventually has to give at Madrid.

Jude Bellingham delivered a beautiful first-time volley and Antonio Rudiger was the ultimate 115th-minute hero.

It was a valiant, albeit doomed, effort from Sociedad, highlighted by a Mikel Oyarzabal brace accumulated in the 80th and 93rd minutes.

Atlético Madrid 0 Barcelona 1 (4-5 Agg)

Atlético Madrid is stacking gut-wrenching Ls at a dangerous rate, bowing out of another competition at the hands (feet?) of a rival. After an exhilarating first leg, it took only a goal from Ferran Torres—one of the most unheralded and dangerous attackers of the moment—to propel Barca to an El Clasico Copa Del Rey Final.

The Torres goal came on a brilliant ball from Lamine Yamal; the two have delighted in breaking Atléti’s spirit in recent weeks, combining for four goals scored in the last two clashes.

A word of advice to the superpowers of global football: if you can avoid playing Real Madrid and Barcelona six times in two months, do it. It will rip the guts from your season and leave its carcass to rot in the unglamorous pursuit of third place.

🇮🇹 Coppa Italia Semifinal First Leg

Empoli 0 Bologna 3

Bologna might be the hottest team in all of Europe, rattling off a sixth straight victory in the first leg to head home with a 3-0 lead. Ricardo Orsolini scored in his third consecutive match before Thijs Dallinga added a brace to all but seal the Rossoblu’s passage to the cup final.

Milan 1 Inter 1

A cagey affair intensified in the second half, as Tammy Abraham found the scoresheet after a daring feint to give the “home” side an advantage. But no lead is safe with Hakan Çalha-no-tap-ins on the pitch.

The midfield dynamo lived up to his moniker, blitzing a first-time strike under Mike Maignan to restore parity. Bangers only.

Circle this second leg on your calendar for Wednesday, April 23rd. It’ll be worth a watch, if for no other reason than to watch Kyle Walker inform Joao Felix that not only is he not Messi, he’s also not Maradona, Ronaldo, or even Jack freaking Grealish.

🇩🇪 DFB Pokal Semifinals

Bielefeld 2 Leverkusen 1

The best story in domestic cups this season, Arminia Bielefeld felled its fourth consecutive Bundesliga side, this time discharging the cupholders and reigning Bundesliga champions from the competition.

The third-tier club capably defended a 2-1 lead throughout the second half, suffocating a typically buccaneering Leverkusen attack. With ebullient gratitude, an increasingly anxious, hopeful, and anticipatory home crowd erupted in scenes at the final whistle.

Nobody—and we mean nobody—does scenes better than a lower-tier club. It just means more. And that is why we watch.

Stuttgart 3 RB Leipzig 1

There’s no coming back from a meteoric blast struck this sweetly.

Take a bow, Angelo Stiller. That howitzer, from one of the summer’s most sought-after number 6s, set Stuttgart on their way, with Nick Woltemade and Jamie Leweling adding insurance in the second half.

For Leipzig, it’s another disappointment in a season full of them. Lone goalscorer Benjamin Sesko seems destined for pastures greener, dimming even the campaign’s bright spots.

🇫🇷 Coupe de France

Dunkerque 2 PSG 4

For 45 minutes, the unthinkable seemed possible, as Dunkerque nearly carried a 2-0 advantage over the invincible Ligue 1 leaders into halftime. But before hopes of a great escape not seen in Dunkirk since WWII could blossom, Ousmane Dembélé pulled a goal back in first-half stoppage time.

By the 48th minute, Marquinhos restored parity, before Désiré Doué and Dembele poured more water on the embers of hope. The Parisians will face Reims in the final after their narrow triumph over fourth-tier Cannes.

We salute you, Dunkerque. Like Tom Hardy standing over his burning aircraft, we recognize a job admirably done when we see it.

ARS 2 FUL 1

BACKayo Saka. Or Bukayo BACKa?

Either way, Arsenal’s starboy on the wing is indeed back, both on the pitch and the scoresheet. After super-striker Mikel Merino gave the Gunners a first-half lead, Saka extended the advantage from a Gabriel Martinelli flick that dripped in Bobby Firmino-levels of sauce.

Unfortunately, Saka’s return comes at an excruciating cost: Gabriel Magalhaes will miss the remainder of the season with a hamstring injury, splintering a formidable partnership at the back for Arsenal.

WOL 1 WHU 0

They. Are. Stayin’ Up. Said they are stayin’ up!

After taking seven points from the last available nine, Wolves are nine points clear of the relegation places and—on form—look more the part of a mid-table side than one threatened with the drop. It took only a goal from Jorgen Strand Larsen to best Graham Potter’s Hammers, who—on form—look more the part of nail than hammer.

The two sides combined for three shots in total. A match to miss if ever there was one.

NOT 1 MUN 0 

It’s a great season to be a former United attacker*!

Anthony Elanga broke from the defense at blistering pace to open the scoring against his former side with a solo effort. United mounted a second-half assault on the Forest goal, but without the necessary cutting edge to find the breakthrough. A Murillo clearance off the line in the dying moments erupted the City Ground as dreams of Champions League football drew nearer to reality.

With or without Forest, that man, Murillo—with all the aura of a globally iconic center half—will be playing on those famous European nights very soon.

*Jadon Sancho excepted

BOU 1 IPS 2

It was fun while it lasted, eh Cherries?

While there will be time for reflection at season’s end—on a campaign that elevated Bournemouth from the relegation yo-yo and into footballing credibility—that time is not in the midst of a five-match winless run in the league. And it’s certainly not after a loss at home to relegation-likely Ipswich.

Liam Delap scored the decisive second goal for Ipswich after Nathan Broadhead’s opener, traversing the Bournemouth box to meet a Conor Townsend cross with a fizzing first-time strike.

For the Tractor Boys, the win is one last gallant grasp of the cliffside before the fall to depths below. Unless it turns out to be more than that? But it can’t—we already sang “They are stayin’ up” about Wolves, and the song is irreversible.

A bright spot for Bournemouth: Evanilson, who missed much of the season’s brightest patch, has scored in four of the last five.

BRI 0 AVL 3

He’ll protest to the contrary, but surely Ruben Amorim slams his fist on the desk every time Marcus Rashford adds a goal contribution for Villa. F*ck’s sake, they’re gonna ask me about Rashford again. If that’s the case, his desk is eating punches at a rate that would make Rocky Balboa blush, as Rashford added another goal against Brighton after his FA Cup brace over the weekend.

The other half of the “Marc” loanee twins, Marco Asensio, continued his even more prolific campaign for the Villans, doubling the advantage with a goal of his own before turning provider for Donyell Malen late in stoppage time. And yet, nobody pushes the narrative that Luis Enrique made a mistake by sending Asensio away, because PSG are alive in all competitions and on the brink of invincibility in Ligue 1.

There’s a lesson in there, perhaps one that Derek Zoolander won’t understand: sometimes, there isn’t more to football than being really, really, ridiculously good at football.

It’s a sixth straight win for Villa, who leapfrog Brighton into 7th place, just two points out of fifth. Meanwhile, the Gulls’ soaring form has descended back onto the Brighton beaches, as they are now winless in their last three after a six-game winning streak of their own.

MCI 2 LEI 0

Nobody busts a slump quite like Leicester: a date with the Foxes allowed Jack Grealish to find a Premier League scoresheet for the first time in 16 months.

Omar Marmoush also netted for City for a third consecutive match to ensure another evening of disappointment for Leicester in a full calendar of them. The Foxes have lost eight straight, managing only one goal across those defeats. That’s right: they’ve been blanked in seven of their last eight games. And they STILL have three more goals than Southampton for the season.

That’s how historically bad these teams are.

SOU 1 CRY 1

Hey, look, that brings us to Southampton, who are waging an intrepid campaign to avoid being the worst side in Premier League history.

The Saints entered Wednesday’s fixture needing three points to eclipse Derby’s all-time low of 11. For 72 minutes, they looked to have them in their grasp.

A powerful Paul Onuachu header put the Saints ahead in the 20th minute, and they preserved that flimsy advantage until the 92nd, when Matheus Franca struck for Palace to deny Southampton an escape from historic humiliation. In the process, he ensured a sixth straight game unbeaten for a Palace side growing in belief, and nothing would’ve destroyed that belief like a loss to an all-time terrible team.

Southampton have nine games to eschew the unwanted record, and with clashes against Leicester and West Ham among them, we like their chances of lifting the “Not the Worst Team Ever” trophy.

NEW 2 BRE 1

No hangover for the Magpies after a historic Carabao Cup victory celebration over the weekend. Alexander Isak reliably netted in first-half stoppage time, and a Sandro Tonali strike that was 70% cross, 30% shot, 15% concentrated power of will (you know you’re singing it now) restored the Newcastle advantage lost to a Bryan Mbeumo penalty.

LIV 1 EVE 0

After a Goodison Park Merseyside Derby that ended in disaster for the Reds and ecstasy for Everton, Liverpool restored regular order in a victory of narrow margins that featured three shots on target in total, all by the league leaders.

The increasingly toothless Diaz-Jota-Salah attacking trio rediscovered some bite when Luis Diaz returned from an offside position to nudge a backheel into the Portuguese striker’s path. Jota chopped out of the path of two Everton defenders before coolly slotting past Pickford to send Liverpool three points closer to the title.

Somehow, James Tarkowski escaped red—even after VAR review—for this high, studs-up collision with Alexis Mac Allister, despite universal agreement that the challenge was redder than Liverpool’s kits.

PGMOL: even more uncertain than American trade policy.

CHE 1 TOT 0

Colaf Palmer thawed his Frozen form, delivering an inch-perfect cross for Enzo Fernandez to head home in the 50th minute for the game’s only goal.

But the real story was Ange Postecoglou’s incessant petulance.

Tottenham supporters voiced their displeasure with the manager’s decision to substitute Lucas Bergvall. Moments later, the player Ange introduced in Bergvall’s place, Pape Matar Sarr, had the ball in the back of the net. The Australian then turned to the supporters and held a hand to his ear, seemingly taunting them for their boos from moments earlier.

Ah, Ange. You should’ve known better than to indulge in self-aggrandizing celebration so soon after a goal, especially in a season where so little has gone right for you. A lengthy VAR review found a foul on Moises Caicedo in the build-up, nullifying the goal and subjecting the manager to ridicule.

Post match, a bitter Postecoglou took issue with the length of the review—understandably so, as something “clear and obvious” shouldn’t take six minutes to review—but he’ll find little sympathy among supporters anywhere. Nobody is going to feel bad for a manager piloting one of the biggest clubs in England to a 14th-place finish in the league.

That’s the way the vegemite toast crumbles, mate.

🇹🇷 A Victor Osimhen brace delivered a 2-1 victory for Galatasaray over rivals Fener in the quarterfinal of the Turkish Cup. Four players received red cards in second-half stoppage time, and Jose Mourinho attempted the ole “got your nose” routine on Gala manager Okan Buruk.

No word on whether he did, in fact, steal his nose.

🇺🇸 A Nathan Ordaz goal propelled LAFC to a 1-0 first-leg victory over Inter Miami in the CONCACAF Champions Cup quarters, but should he have been on the pitch after this first-half forearm shiver?

The other three quarterfinal first legs ended in draws.

CRY vs. BRI (10:00 AM ET SAT)

The M23 Derby sees the flying Eagles of Crystal Palace host the suddenly flapping Gulls. Come for the football, stay for the bird imagery.

Palace have played about as well as any side in the league in recent weeks, but Brighton represents a fitting test of just how much their stature has grown.

MUN vs. MCI (11:30 AM ET SUN)

Can’t miss a Manchester Derby. Despite United’s struggles in the league, a victory over City at Old Trafford could be the kickstart—or at least protection—Ruben Amorim craves. A Derby victory isn’t a cure-all, but it can suppress and delay symptoms of early-onset managerial dissatisfaction for supporters.

For City, every match matters in a crowded battle for Europe.

Bonus relegation six-pointer: IPS vs. WOL

We know we said Wolves are stayin’ up, Said Wolves are stayin’ up, and that’s irreversible. We stand by that. But if Ipswich are to have any glimmer of hope, they need all three points on Saturday.

Barcelona vs. Real Betis (3:00 PM SAT)

Betis haven’t lost in their last seven matches, and their last loss came in the second leg of a knockout that they won in aggregate. So, Barcelona faces vastly more threatening opposition than Madrid this weekend; if there is to be a stumble, it would likely be at the Barcelona Olympic Stadium.

But Hansi Flick’s side have shown no signs of stumbling. Can Antony and Isco throw a stick in their spokes?

Villareal vs. Athletic Bilbao (3:00 PM SUN)

Lost in the shuffle of a title-chasing clash of titans is an increasingly intriguing battle for Europe. Fourth-place Athletic visit fifth-place Villareal on Sunday, and the hosts—who also have a game in hand—can cut the deficit to three points with a win. Nico Williams might be out the door either way, but would failure to secure Champions League football force Bilbao’s hand?

If you watch one league this weekend, make it Serie A, where battles for the Scudetto and Europe line the fixture list.

Milan vs. Fiorentina (2:45 PM SAT)

Milan are entertaining in a reality-tv-character-doing-something-utterly-cringeworthy sort of way. You’d almost prefer not to watch, but you peer through the fingers covering your face in secondhand embarrassment nonetheless, unsure if you’re rooting for a heroic turnaround or descent into deeper folly. Both are equally plausible.

Fiorentina, on the other hand, are on the ascent, dispatching Juventus and Atalanta in successive weeks to sneak onto the outskirts of the Champions League conversation.

Atalanta vs. Lazio (12:00 PM SUN)

Third-place Atalanta leads seventh-place Lazio by only six points, a gap that looks increasingly navigable in light of the former’s flailing form. However, neither side has set the league alight in recent outings.

Roma vs. Juventus (2:45 PM SUN)

Roma puts its unbeaten streak on the line as Juventus visits under new coach Igor Tudor in a clash of sixth versus fifth in Serie A, with just three points separating them.

Bologna vs. Napoli (2:45 PM MON)

Winners of six straight Bologna welcome Scudetto-chasers Napoli on Monday evening in a match that could massively impact the title assuming league-leaders Inter handle business at Parma on Saturday. For Bologna, a seventh consecutive win could bolster their case for another improbable Champions League appearance.

Augsburg vs. Bayern (2:30 PM FRI)

After dispatching St. Pauli last weekend, Bayern visit a more competitive foe on Friday. With a win, the pressure mounts on Leverkusen, who exited the DFB Pokal at the foot of giant-slayer Bielefeld. Only seven matches remain, and Harry Kane can nearly see his hairline in the reflection of the Meisterschale.

Freiburg vs. Dortmund (9:30 AM SAT)

Dortmund are still alive in this year’s Champions League, but we’ve scarcely mentioned them in connection with next season’s European competitions, as they’ve spent most of their campaign comfortably in the bottom half. Surely, it’s too little too late, but after last weekend’s impressive win over Mainz, could another win over a European contender jumpstart their reentry into the conversation?

Freiburg are in the thick of that discussion, and they can ill afford to let those below them climb in while those ahead pull away.

Lyon vs. Lille (3:05 PM SAT)

Is it too early to label this a loser-leaves-town match for Champions League places in Ligue 1? Perhaps, though a second consecutive loss for Lyon would leave them an Alps-sized mountain to climb in only six games.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Sheffield United handled Coventry City last time out. On Saturday at 7:30 AM ET, it’s time for Burnley to put their automatic promotion ambitions on the line against Frank Lampard’s side.

🇵🇹 The top four sides in Portugal clash this weekend. Third-place Porto hosts second-place Benfica in the O Clássico on Sunday afternoon, while league-leaders Sporting host Braga on Monday. Sporting and Benfica are currently level on points atop the table.

🇹🇷 Fenerbahce play their game in hand on Sunday against Trabzonspor. Despite suffering defeat to Galatasaray in the cup, they can cut their lead to just three points with a win. Got-your-title would be a more satisfying game for Jose Mourinho to play than got-your-nose.

🇺🇸 Inter Miami (league-leaders) host Toronto (joint-bottom) on Sunday night in a battle of the Eastern Conference haves and have-nots.

🇧🇷 Corinthians welcome Vasco de Gama on Saturday evening. Vasco’s Philippe Coutinho (there’s a throwback) unleashed this vintage Coutinho banger midweek.

🇸🇦 Second-place Al Hilal hosts third-place Al Nassr and Cristiano Ronaldo this afternoon. Hilal needs the points to keep pace with leaders Al Ittihad.

✂️ Earlier this week, La Liga called back into question Barcelona’s registration of Dani Olmo and Pau Victor, arguing that they missed the deadline to do so and raising suspicions of the €100 million VIP seat sale that enabled their registrations. However, the Spanish Sports Ministry (the CSD) ruled yesterday that the players are allowed to play through the end of the season.

They couldn’t play. Then they could. Then they couldn’t. Now they can again.

We haven’t seen this much indecision since Michael Scott underwent and reversed three vasectomies. Snip-snap, snip-snap, snip-snap.

It’s another in a long list of financial and registration bullets dodged by Barcelona, and we have to wonder just how many more future assets they can sell before the well runs unsustainably dry. And yet, every day, there’s a new transfer rumor linking the club to an expensive star that they’ll struggle to register.

What can they sell next? Would Spotify pay top dollar for their logo to replace the ball in Barca’s badge for the next 50 years?

Do you have any idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person?

🔚 This morning, Kevin De Bruyne announced that this season will be his last at Manchester City. His illustrious career in Sky Blue included six Premier League titles, five Carabao Cups, two FA Cups, and a Champions League victory. He leaves as one of the great maestros in Premier League history. Not bad for a Chelsea reject.

🇺🇸🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 After the United States and the United Kingdom were the only ones to submit valid proposals to host the 2031 and 2035 Women’s World Cups, Gianni Infantino announced that—drumroll please!—the United States and the United Kingdom are likely to be awarded the 2031 and 2035 Women’s World Cups.

Whew, that was a nail-biter. Fierce competition. Uncertain outcome.