We Owe You an Apology, Declan Rice

Arsenal 3 Real Madrid 0

Don’t let the scoreline fool you. This could have been so much worse for Madrid.

In front of an Emirates crowd bloodthirsty for the competition’s ultimate scalp, the Gunners operated with a genuine belief that they were the better side. That belief was rewarded in the 58th minute when Declan Rice unleashed a free kick so good that we thought it wouldn’t be topped for years to follow.

It was arguably topped just twelve minutes later.

We knew he could hit them. But this?! These kicks are art. Not just art. They’re masterpieces. And he painted them mere minutes apart.

The spot kicks were so jaw-dropping that—after removing his jaw from the floor—the first thing Florentino Perez probably did was check to see when Rice’s contract expires so Madrid can acquire him on a free transfer. They were so reality-shattering that Trent Alexander-Arnold likely gulped at the realization he’s already falling down the 2028 Madrid free-kick-taking pecking order. That elusive right-back Ballon d’Or is slipping away, Trent!

Mikel Merino capped a night to remember with a 78th-minute goal to extend the lead to three. A makeshift striker, Merino has dutifully answered Arteta’s call, rewarding the manager’s faith and capitalizing on the opportunity with 8 crucial goals across competitions.

Los Blancos head back to Madrid with a huge mountain to climb. Even the Madridistas might not be enough to help them overturn this one. Then again, this is Arsenal. This is Madrid. Anything is possible.

But for one night, Declan Rice, Arsenal, and Arsenal supporters tasted footballing nirvana.

Bayern 1 Inter Milan 2

Inter don’t always get the respect they deserve in this competition. No matter. They’ll go to your stadium and command it.

Visitors to the Allianz Arena, Inter opened the scoring from an outrageous, outside-of-the-boot Lautaro Martinez strike, facilitated by a sumptuous Marcus Thuram backheel. They defended that lead until the 85th minute when Thomas Muller did what he does better than just about anyone, positioning himself in the right place at the right time to equalize.

The outpouring of affection for a club—and football—legend was shortlived, as Davide Frattesi scored from a rebound only three minutes later to send Inter back to Milan with a 2-1 lead.

PSG 3 Aston Villa 1

Both sides entered this contest at Parc Des Princes as winners of six straight, but only PSG would advance that streak to a seventh match.

Though Morgan Rogers gave the visitors early hope, scoring from a Youri Tielemans cross, the Parisian attack proved too incisive to suppress. Désiré Doué equalized with a dazzling curled effort after cutting inside onto his right foot.

Shortly after halftime, Kvaradona lived up to his nickname, slicing through the Villa defense before firing past Emi Martinez at the near post.

Nuno Mendes added some additional cushion in stoppage time—dropping Martinez to the floor in the process—to complete the home side’s unyielding assault and delight the supporters, who reveled in each sight of the ball fizzing past their Argentine nemesis and into the net.

Barcelona 4 Dortmund 0

Genuinely nothing to see here. Thanks for coming out, Dortmund, but you’re well out of your depth.

Raphinha opened the scoring for Barca, and Lamine Yamal scored the fourth, sandwiching a brace for former Dortmund player Robert Lewandowski. Even the Yellow Wall can’t will a comeback into existence from 4-nil down against this Barcelona side.

Lyon 2 Manchester United 2

A Europa League clash rarely creates as much intrigue as its Champions League superiors, but a war of words in the press left fans foaming at the mouth for kickoff in Lyon.

Andre Onana’s suggestion that United are much better than Lyon and should beat them invited a clapback of epically vicious proportions from former United player and current Lyon midfielder, Nemanja Matic. Matic took issue with the origin of the comments, suggesting it might be wise for—statistically—one of the worst keepers in United history to keep his thoughts to himself.

Boy, oh boy, the action on the pitch did not disappoint, with Matic left looking quite prescient.

Onana made not just one but two mistakes to allow Lyon to escape with a 2-2 draw. The first was a miscalculation on a Thiago Almada cross which floated over the fray in the box past Onana at the far post. The second saw Onana relinquish a Georges Mikautadze strike right into the path of Rayan Cherki, who made no mistake of his own to equalize in the 95th minute and send the supporters into ecstasy.

Oh, please, everyone keep talking in the press. It makes Thursdays captivating enough to be considered an honorary part of the weekend.

Spurs 1 Frankfurt 1

Ange’s side secured their manager a stay of execution, with Pedro Porro canceling out an early Hugo Ekiteke banger. Still, 1-1 won’t be the result they’d hoped for at home, but, for the moment, the only thing that matters is survival.

Bodo/Glimt 2 Lazio 0

Let’s take a moment for Bodo/Glimt. Both of ‘em. Bodo and Glimt.

Not only has the club made us look up where exactly they play, they’ve made us believe. The Norwegian (saved you a search) side have taken on all comers in the Europa League, and more often than not, they’ve emerged victorious. Lazio are no slouch, and they notched only one shot on target to Bodo/Glimt’s six. Ulrik Saltnes scored a second-half brace for the home side to continue the march toward destiny.

Seriously, would anything be better—and more Europa—than Bodo/Glimt winning a Europa League that still has heavyweights like Manchester United and Tottenham in it? Please, football gods.

Rangers 0 Athletic Bilbao 0

Despite playing with ten men from the 13th minute onward after a Robin Propper red card, Rangers stood resolute, blanking Athletic to send the tie back to Bilbao level. The Scottish side didn’t notch a single shot on target but held Athletic to three.

Liam Kelly, the Rangers keeper playing his first match in Europe, was the hero, saving Alex Berenguer’s 82nd-minute penalty with a last-ditch flick of the foot.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Don’t look now, but Leeds are back atop the Championship table in a seesaw battle that will leave three different sets of supporters in a permanent buttcheek clench for weeks to come. Leeds beat Boro 1-0 thanks to a 2nd-minute Dan James goal, while Burnley drew 0-0 at Derby and Sheffield United lost 1-0 to Millwall.

🇺🇸 Miami entered the quarterfinal second-leg down 1-0 to LAFC, and they quickly found themselves in a 2-0 hole after Aaron Long scored in the 9th minute. But faith is in surplus supply when you have Lionel Messi, and Messi rewarded that faith—as he so often does—with a 35th-minute stunner to cut the arrears.

Federico Redondo equalized the tie in the 61st minute, and Messi scored the winner from the spot in the 84th to complete the comeback and cement Miami’s passage to the semifinal of the CONCACAF Champions Cup.

🔙 Tom Brady-backed Birmingham sealed their automatic promotion back to the English Championship, with their impending, official clinching of the title a mere formality at this stage. The club backed up an unprecedented spending spree for a League One club with an unprecedented rampage through the competition. They sit on 95 points with six games remaining, 14 points clear of second-place Wrexham.

City vs. Palace (7:30 AM ET SAT)

No Premier League slate is ever bad, but on a relative basis, this one kind of stinks.

However, Palace have often been a bit of an inexplicable bogey team for City, and that was before they morphed into one of the best sides (on form) in the league. The Eagles are unbeaten in their last seven, flying high after a 2-1 defeat at rivals Brighton. Pep’s City face a vicious battle for Champions League places, with Villa and Newcastle looking better equipped to claim the prize and Chelsea still ahead of them. The last thing they’ll want to see on Saturday is a superhero striker with a tucked-in shirt and a supernatural ability to make headgear look cool.

Betis vs. Villareal (12:30 PM SUN)

The three top sides in La Liga face uninspiring, bottom-half opposition this week, and while that doesn’t guarantee their victories (looking at you after last week, Madrid), we’ll still turn our attention to a clash of sixth and fifth-place sides level on 48 points. Betis, fresh off a comfortable 2-0 win over Jagiellonia in Conference League play, are unbeaten in their last 12 matches. Either side will need three points to mount a credible challenge to Athletic’s hold on the fourth Champions League place.

Atalanta vs. Bologna (6:30 AM SUN)

A falling star hosts one on the rise in Serie A, as fourth-place Bologna puts a seven-match unbeaten run on the line at third-place Atalanta, who have lost three straight. The stakes couldn’t be higher in a congested race for European places in Italy.

Lazio vs. Roma (2:45 PM SUN)

The Roma Derby! Wait—we can do better, with more hand gestures. The Derby della Capitale!

That felt right.

Roma holds a sizable advantage in the all-time derby record, but they sit two points behind Lazio in this season’s Serie A standings. You knew it was coming: this is your weekly reminder that Ranieri’s side hasn’t lost in Serie A since before Christmas. And they face an opponent sore from a 2-0 defeat to European bully Bodo/Glimt.

Bayern vs. Dortmund (12:30 PM SAT)

Der Klassiker returns!

Thanks to Dortmund’s recent resurgence in the Bundesliga (we’ll graciously ignore the performance at Barcelona), the game’s intrigue extends beyond the usual derby allure. A win over Bayern could begin to worry the inexperienced competitors ahead of Dortmund in the queue for Champions League places. It could also make Leverkusen very happy. Is this the match that flips this season’s Bundesliga on its head?

Monaco vs. Marseille (11:00 AM SAT)

Very kind of league leaders PSG to give the league a respite from their dominance for a weekend. A high-stakes, third-versus-second matchup should capably fill the fireworks shortage left by the champions’ absence.

Also worth a watch: Fourth-place Strasbourg hosts sixth-place Nice. Depending on the outcome of the match above, both teams could vault as high as third with a win.

🇧🇪 The top two sides in the Belgian Pro League playoffs, Genk and Club Brugge, meet on Sunday at 12:30PM ET. Genk currently has a four-point advantage; there’s plenty of football yet to be played, but Brugge (and the rest of the chasers) will hope for a result Sunday to keep the lead from ballooning.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 In Scotland, Celtic could become champions for the 13th time in 14 seasons with a win over Kilmarnock (7:30 AM ET SAT) and a Rangers loss or draw at Aberdeen (7:00 AM ET SUN). That’s right, folks. Sound the alarm. Brodge could clinch a title this weekend.

🇺🇸 Inter Miami visits Chicago on Sunday at 4:30PM ET. Hopefully, fans in the Windy City won’t be disappointed by Miami’s squad rotation after Wednesday’s heroics.

🇧🇷 Palmeiras hosts Corinthians (SAT 5:30 PM ET) in a rematch of the Campeonato Paulista Final. The hosts will no doubt seek revenge after Memphis Depay’s ball-standing shenanigans. Sidenote: because of Depay, standing on the ball is now a yellow card. Smh. We thought this was Brazil! We should be rewarding those antics!

👑 More contract extension news! After reports earlier in the week indicated it was likely, Mo Salah made his two-year extension with Liverpool official this morning, much to the delight of those who bend the knee to the Egyptian King. No notes on the social media announcement, which flipped Salah’s earlier suggestions that he was “more out than in” on their head.

🐐 Inter Miami and Messi are reportedly close to extending the duration of their relationship, which will see Messi wearing Vice City pink through the 2026 World Cup and beyond. The question is: who will join him? Inter Miami reportedly have Kevin De Bruyne’s discovery rights—that’s MLS for “dibs”—which puts them in pole position to sign the Belgian maestro.

In a league where teams are still called the New England Revolution and the Houston Dynamo, discovery rights might be the single most unserious thing about MLS.